Brothers
by mari4212
Summary: Sibling relationships are never simple. How does it feel to lose a brother, even one you have left behind?


Order meetings. A mixture of tension, worry, anticipation, anguish, and…boredom. Someone had neglected to tell Sirius that when you joined a wide-ranging secret organization bent on stopping a Dark Lord from coming to power, you spent a lot of time in meetings talking about missions that you weren't involved in and operations that you couldn't take part in but still had to worry about. You either ended up nervous and jumping at shadows like Peter did these days, or bored out of your skull.

Finally they'd heard the last general status report of the day and in a few minutes he'd be free. Out to do useful things, anything but sit around inside all day listening to what other people were doing.

Except, of course, that Dumbledore had to intervene and halt his escape plans. "Sirius, if you would please stay behind after the meeting, I need to speak with you privately."

Bugger. Dumbledore probably wanted to tell him to tone it down, be a bit more cautious about his public stance against Voldemort's policy. He glanced over at James, hoping for at least a sympathetic grin, but James was frowning concernedly as well. What was this, some sort of conspiracy to get him to calm down? So he sat there like an obedient child while everyone else filed out of the room, leaving him alone with Dumbledore.

As soon as the others left, Dumbledore's entire demeanor shifted. His shoulders slumped, and the frown lines that furrowed his brow etched deeper. He looked years older. I This is what the war is doing to him /I , Sirius thought, astonished. I It's wearing him out. /I Dumbledore had always seemed eternal before, but now he looked mortal and weary.

"Sirius," he said, "I have grave news, and it concerns you personally. I wished to tell you in private, so that you would not be forced to witness the responses of others who were less emotionally involved in the situation."

Okay, now he was officially worried. What could possibly have happened with the war that would affect him personally?

Dumbledore continued. "I have received confirmation from my sources within Voldemort's inner circle that Regulus Black has been killed."

The words didn't sink in for a minute. And then he was torn between laughing and screaming. Regulus hadn't considered himself to be Sirius's brother for several years, and most of the time, the feeling was mutual. Had Regulus been there to hear the conversation, surely he would have pitched a fit about being called a brother to the great blood traitor. Most of the time, Sirius would have thrown the same sort of fit if he had to be reminded of his family.

But still, Reggie had been his brother, and deep down a part of Sirius had always hoped that he'd see past the poison their parents had fed them from birth. That part was now screaming in agony at the thought of his brother being gone for good. There was no hope for reconciliation now.

I Five years earlier /I 

"I hate you!"

The words had been shouted, easily heard even in the hubbub and bustle of the crowd at Platform Nine and Three Quarters. In the hush that had followed, Sirius had winced and averted his gaze, refusing to look at the fury-reddened face of his younger brother. Regulus had always known how to create a scene. James and the Potters stood off to one side, refusing to interfere. He'd asked them not to, back at James' house when they were discussing what might happen here, but now that it was real and not a vague possibility, Sirius was reconsidering his earlier statement. Anything to stop this.

Regulus wasn't about to give up and leave. "How could you just walk away from everything our family values? How could you betray everything we stand for?"

Maybe only Sirius could hear the unspoken question underneath. I How could you abandon me? /I Or maybe it was just his conscience stinging him. He turned to Regulus, determined to have it out, once and for all. "I could betray 'everything we stand for' because what our darling, demented parents stand for is bigotry and ignorance. I can betray it because I think it's a load of stupid fucking stories that our family has told for generations so that we could tell ourselves that we were better than anyone else. I can betray it because every day at Hogwarts I saw obvious contradictions to every poisonous lie our parents have ever told us. Open your eyes sometime, Regulus, and you'll see it too. Then we can talk about betrayal."

"You're wrong," Regulus said quietly. His face had lost its previous redness, and was now bleaching white. "You're wrong about everything. I never want to talk with you, ever. Mother and Father were right, you're not a Black anymore. You're not my brother. My brother wouldn't lie to me about this."

All the fury that had been building up inside of Sirius vanished, running out of him like water down a drain. He was tired of this, tired of confronting what his parents had turned Regulus and he himself into. "Tell me that when you grow up, Reggie. I don't want to see you again until you do."

They separated then, Regulus vanishing into a crowd of Slytherin fourth-years while Sirius went to join James, Peter, and Remus in their compartment on the train.

I Four years earlier /I 

There was always a large amount of roughhousing and jostling among the Gryffindor boys. Normally, Sirius would be smack-dab in the middle of it, with a ready smile and an even readier elbow to jab with. But tonight, as the sorting commenced, he could only grit his teeth and try to hide how nervous he was.

Peter was oblivious, talking animatedly with a second-year about what foods he was looking forward to eating and grumbling about another delay, and James was busy trying to see how many different colors he could transfigure Lily Evans' hair to be at the same time without her noticing it.

Only Remus was paying any attention to Sirius' uncharacteristic quiet, and he confined himself to worried glances every few minutes. He'd demand an explanation later, Sirius knew, but that would be after everything was over. He didn't need to bother about it right now.

Finally, McGonagall came in, leading the bedraggled-looking first years. Regulus was towards the front, gazing about with wonder, and then gasping along with the others as the sorting hat began to sing its way through a description of all four houses. Was it only his imagination, or did Reggie's eyes light up when the hat mentioned Gryffindor? It seemed to take an eternity to get through the ten people before Reggie. Even Peter noticed Sirius' back tensing up as McGonagall called out "Black, Regulus!"

And then…and then the hat called out Slytherin, and Sirius could swear that up there, sitting under that hat, he saw Regulus put up some sort of wall behind his eyes. It was a barrier that had never existed between them before, and he couldn't understand how it could have happened here, now. All of a sudden his little brother was something different, alien. A chasm had formed between the two of them and Sirius wasn't sure how to cross it anymore.

I Seven years earlier /I 

The door creaked when it opened, and the light from the hallway shown around the silhouette of a young boy as Sirius sat up to see what had interrupted his sleep.

"Sirius? I hadda bad dream, can I come stay with you?" the boy asked. Knowing that his little brother couldn't see, the six-year-old Sirius rolled his eyes briefly. Of course Reggie had a bad dream and wanted to come to Sirius. They had this conversation every night. Why their mother wouldn't just give in and let Reggie start the night with him was beyond Sirius's understanding. It certainly would mean that he wouldn't have to wake up in the middle of the night to let Reggie in, and they'd both get more sleep that way. Instead, he silently lifted up a corner of his quilt and beckoned. Reggie obediently trundled in and trustingly curled up against Sirius's side.

"Don't worry, Reggie, I'm here to protect you," he said. It was a routine by now. "I'll always be there to protect you."

I Now /I 

Sirius sat there in a stunned silence. He had no idea how much time had past when he looked up at Dumbledore's compassionate expression and said roughly, "I think I'm late for my duties. I have to go."

And as he left, a part of him still wondered, how had it all gone so wrong?


End file.
